look at the stars

I feel hopeful and positive about what 2009 will bring. I think it will be a year of lots of my dreams coming true. I'm not sad to be leaving this year behind, it's been quite hard over all.

My wishes for the new year are simple...to be true to myself, to love myself enough, to follow all my dreams and not let anyone stand in the way...

This is a self portrait taken this morning for the 365 days project on Flickr.com




At the moment I am living in dreams and I cannot be bothered to dig myself out.
I am listening to the Postal Service 'Sleeping in'. I am peaceful and happy with everything and I am making the most of it.

This morning I photographed this darling little house with a purple front door. I really hope one day I have such a charming little home for my family. These are the dreams that keep me smiling.







"Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in"

i am happy. but i'm tired.




i've just recovered from being ill.

i am watching Juno for about the 50th time.

i feel a lot safer in my own world than i have in a long time.

i still have concerns, but they are manageable.

Soon Christmas lights are being switched on all across the world, and this makes me terribly excited. I want to go to lots of christmas markets and fayres but i know not to set myself up for disappointment, it's always hard fitting these events into the busy calendar of the season. With my friends Laura and Becky I am going ice-skating on an open air icerink at a farm! It will be so lovely and i am looking forward to it a lot. Timothy and I are planning a christmas shopping day together. We are thinking of going to Cambridge. Today I got some little chocolate tree decorations for my friend Linda who lives in Chicago. We also got a lovely tin in the shape of a gingerbread man for my mother. She will adore it!
Today i took pictures for potential christmas cards.







I hung twinkly, glittery, silver stars from trees in our little back garden. It was very cold and my hands needed gloves to keep warm. I loved watching how the stars sparkled as they swung around in the wind. It was very blustery and windy but I loved it.

This time of year feels magical.

i am in bed wearing a purple wooly hat and have a hot water bottle down at my feet. i am craving quiet and subtle white light. my curtains fulfil this, they are so pretty. i don't like all the misery in the world, i try to look for happiness everywhere i go and in everyone i meet. anyone who isn't a 'star' goes off my radar and flys back into space. i sometimes think that the way i collect friends fits this analogy. i search for people who share a spark type connection with me, people with beautiful souls who make the world feel safer just by knowing them. believe it or not i have met people like that. the world is so full of beautiful people. everytime i meet one of them it restores my faith in humanity. at the moment i am obsessed with flickr and photography. that website has honestly saved me. from what i don't know, but it's saved me nonetheless. it is the best thing i have ever discovered in my life. it is somewhere for creative people to meet and share ideas. i've met so few creative people in my life, then along comes this website and i meet hundreds at once. whoever invented the site>god bless you. and god bless keri-anne for encouraging me to create an account. i will be forever grateful. i am having one of those days where everything is dreamlike, even myself. i feel like reading story books and conjouring up ghosts and make believe. i don't feel tied down to the space i contain. i want to fly away and change my name. i want to stay in this bed forever because i can't imagine feeling better. yesterday was bonfire night and we had fireworks. we had toffee apples and we put on coats and scarves and gathered around to watch sparks and flames of pretty colours firing into the sky. my garden has never been so full of magic. i loved it, that escape from reality. i've always loved lights at night and wished the world could always have that sense of awe and facilitate such imagination. so today i am lost in an autumn ambivalence, i am coming to terms with how close we are to christmas already. my mum has ordered christmas bells and they arrived in the post. our kitten chased them around in delight, he is such fun. i find the seasons so interesting. i am noticing how quiet the winter time is. people are safe in their houses, they walk speedy steps taking them home. i am listening to soothing music and daydreaming, trying to keep negative thoughts away and think only of holidays and christmas bells.

it seems wrong that it's august. tonight it's winter to me.

girls:

ella
mia
alice
emelie
lucy
imogen
megan
amelia
amelie
matilda
marina
cassie

boys:

william
jack
dylan
matthew
joshua
adam
jake
jamie
jude



"Somewhere over the rainbow...dreams that you dream of really do come true."

This song is phenonmenal...


Well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile.
And I'll gamble away my fright.
And I'll gamble away my time.
And in a year, a year or so
this will slip into the sea
Well, it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile

Nobody raise their voices
Just another night in Nantes
Nobody raise their voices
Just another night in Nantes

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...

recently i've totally fallen in love with art.
i just love to create, to make things and go
crazy with colour. it makes me feel so alive.
I'm deciding what colour to paint my bedroom.
At the moment it's light blue and pretty as it is
i'm so bored with it. I fancy a shade of red.

i love yellow balloons so i've changed my user pic to a recent polaroid i took of a yellow balloon in the sky. oh how i LOVE photography!

i'm having such a hard time at the moment and i want to disappear completely.
how have recent months been good and bad at the same time?
i'm so confused. i just want all this to be over.
i think by autumn it might be. at the moment i feel like i'm clutching at anything
i can to get me through.
on the surface i'm coping, i'm "fine" (there's not really any such thing but almost)
but deep down i'm fed up and worried. i just have to keep livng with my fingers crossed
and grab happiness and sunshine whenever i can.
there is so much i'm grateful for,i have wonderful friends and timothy too.
i just feel so torn...part of me wants adventure and the other part wants to hide!

this is one of my favourite songs ever.

I caught you crying
Trying to hide your tears away
And all the while
I never knew you felt this way
I've loved you from the start
How could we let this come apart ?

We've got to put
The sun back in our hearts

Through the alleyways
The avenues and dreary days
Your schoolyard eyes
Hypnotizing every time
When we kiss in the dark
Emotion tearing us apart

We've got to put
The sun back in our hearts

Down the cinder path
And through the hedge
Climbing up to the window ledge
Throwing lockets to make a scene
I can't explain, you know what I mean

I caught you crying
Trying to hide your tears away
But your crippled smile
Will always give the game away
Are we falling apart ?
Are we just walking in the park ?

this date has a marvellous history for me. i won an iceskating competition on this date in 1998 and i got 100% in my Alevel English Shakespeare Exam on Hamlet on this day in 2001.
it is liam, my little brothers, birthday. today he turned 21.it has been a beautiful day.

i am feeling so so so so happy :)

tonight tim and i walked down to the water front in maldon, it was
all beautiful and silver and i wished that polaroids could capture
the beauty in that light.i knew it was too dark for that.

i have come to realise that the last 2 years have been a time of
finding myself and at last i think i know who i am.
it's made me realise how important that is...living for yourself
and not other people.

I am so happy and full of sunshine.

I have got my polaroid camera. So far i've taken two photos and they're both lovely.

i am loving dawson's creek again. it's been ages since i watched it,but since i purchased series 3 on ebay (the one i never got to see) it has revived my passion for it. it is like the backbone of my emotional development because it was on television at such a crucial time for me. i was the perfect age to be drawn in and i LOVE it. i have always wanted to live in their world,where lights are brigher, nights are darker, love is sweeter,and no one is ugly.
i would love to look like michelle williams who is in the wonderful film 'me without you'. i feel more attuned with her since i've gone blonde though :) and i am happy to be myself.

the past week was been FULL of sunshine. i have absolutely LOVED it.
i have spent afternoons reading and writing in the garden and utterly absorbed in total escapism. the sunshine has given me such a boost. it really makes me happy.
i've actually been so busy that my times in the garden haven't been that long, but they seem to stretch forever in my mind. i've also been hanging out with becky and met laura for drinks outside a cafe in maldon which was lovely.

i have been feeling really happy lately.